


Dumb Prompt Challenge

by SkinSlave



Category: Marilyn Manson (Band)
Genre: Coffee Shops, Cults, New Jersey, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:01:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21904885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkinSlave/pseuds/SkinSlave
Summary: This "story" was written in response to this prompt:Write a story containing a coffee shop with a reputation for being a hangout for the supernatural, a writer just trying to. hit it big, at least 4 cats.I am sorry.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

All he wanted to do was drink his 8-shot venti pumpkin spice iced latte, half almond, half soy, with light whip and salted caramel drizzle, and work on his manuscript. He wrapped his full lips around the straw and sucked. The sweet flavor made him feel confident. He opened his laptop.

"Aren't you scared to be here, Harry?" a husky voice asked.

He looked up to see who had sat down at his table. It was rock icon Marilyn Manson. He was holding a Sphinx cat in one hand and a cup of whipped cream in the other.

"How do you know my name? And why would I be scared?"

"Your name is on your laptop," Manson laughed. "And everyone knows this coffeehouse sits on an intersection of Ley lines. All kinds of strange things happen here."

He put the cat down on the table and made a spooky gesture. Then he started licking the whipped cream out of his cup. It was obscene and very sexy. The cat walked over to Harry's laptop and laid down on the keyboard.

"Looks like I'm not getting any work done!" Harry threw his hands up. "Tell me more about the weird things that happen here, Marilyn Manson. It could be good content for my novel."

"Well, there are lots of paranormal happenings, like ghosts and poltergeists. There have also been cryptid sightings. They have had exorcisms, but the strange entities just keep coming back. Maybe they like the coffee. Or maybe it's because a demonic cult does rituals here."

"What?! Demonic cult? Rituals? What?!"

"Yeah, they rent the event room on Thursdays, right after the slam poetry open mic night."

Manson took off his leather jacket. He was wearing a leather baby sling with the Antichrist Superstar lightning logo embroidered on it. In the carrier was another cat. This cat was a white shorthair. He took the cat out and set it on the table. It immediately pushed Harry's laptop into the floor.

"Dang it!" Harry yelled. "My manuscript is saved on that laptop! All I want to do is become a famous author so I can marry an actress." He started to cry.

"Don't cry," Manson said gently, patting his shoulder. "Actresses are actually not good to marry. I have dated several and I have slept with about a billion. They are too busy for a husband."

Harry stopped crying. He had never considered that. The laptop, with the Sphynx cat still sleeping on the keyboard, floated up from the floor and sat on the table. It was obviously a ghost trying to be helpful. Harry was grateful for the help.

"Thank you for helping me," he said.

His iced latte rose up from the table and the level of coffee in it lowered. It was like an unseen force was sipping it.

"Hey!" Harry yelled, grabbing it away from the ghost. "Do not drink my coffee please, it cost $9.00!"

Manson shook his head and said, "You have to make offerings to spirits. If you don't, they get angry and haunt you."

"Oh. I didn't know. I'm new to ghosts. I'm sorry, ghost. Please forgive me."

The ghost seemed to forgive him. His hair ruffled with a warm breeze. When he turned back to Manson, he was pulling a third cat out from under his shirt. It was a tiny kitten with a helmet. It ran away.

"What's with all the cats?" Harry asked.

"Don't worry, they're not stolen. Hey, the poetry group is about to leave. Do you want to come do the ritual with us?"

Harry had never been invited to anything before. He got very excited. Plus, he thought he might learn more about ghosts. That could be very important for his novel.

Manson told him to finish his drink, so he did. Manson finished his whipped cream, licking it up with his tongue, which Harry now noticed was very long and reached to the bottom of the glass. That was odd.

Afterward, Manson pulled two ceremonial robes out of his back pocket. He started taking his clothes off to change into the robe. Harry was very self-conscious until he looked around and noticed there was no one else there. He changed too. The robes were very cute and lined with fleece so they wouldn't get cold.

They went into the back room together. It was dark. Candles were lit on the floor. A big sigil was drawn on the floor. It was the Antichrist Superstar symbol. A bunch of other people in robes were standing in a circle. 

They started chanting. Harry didn't know the words, so he started reciting the Declaration of Independence. He figured that would be ok.

Manson stood in the middle of the room. He pulled his robe up his leg. It was very sexy. On his thigh was a garter holster, but instead of a gun, it held another cat. This was a black cat, which made it spooky. He set the cat on the floor.

"Now it is time for Harry's initiation into our religion," Manson said. "Come here."

Harry stopped talking and came into the center of the group. Manson put his arms around him and kissed him on the mouth. One of his hands grabbed his butt. Harry didn't know if it was satanic, but it was definitely gay.

"I've never been gay before," he said, blushing very hard.

"That is ok," the group chanted. "Now you are gay and you will have powers."

"This cat is our familiar," Manson said. "He helps us learn our powers and brings us cheese crackers. See if you can talk to him and he will tell you your powers."

"Hello. I'm Harry. What are my powers?"

The cat meowed and did a dance on its hind feet. It was so beautiful that Harry started crying. His tears became diamonds after he cried them. He realized he was going to be rich and wouldn't need to write a dumb novel, so he cried in happiness.

"You cry diamonds," the other cultists chanted. "This is your powers."

Manson picked the cat up and held it close to the new initiate. The cat used a claw to carve a symbol into Harry's forehead. It was the Antichrist Superstar symbol. That was when he realized that this was probably the cult Manson had been talking about earlier, and that Manson was a kind of leader.

"I can read your thoughts," Manson said, touching his cheek. "You're right. I'm the leader of this cult. I initiated you because I want to be gay with you, a lot. I could see your penis sticking out of your pant leg and resting on your shoe."

Harry was very shy about his extremely large genitals.

"I'm sorry, Marilyn Manson," he sighed. "My penis is too large."

"Shhhhhh, it's ok." Manson picked him up and held him very close. "You come from a long line of magic people. Even if I had not found you at this coffeeshop, you would have developed powers eventually. But now you are a high priest in my religion."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"You're a wizard, Harry."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: Write a story containing a forest, a brick house, and a clock that’s never right.
> 
> This also is dumb. Sorry.

It had been three weeks since the fateful night in the paranormal coffee shop. Since then, Harry had used his new gay powers to pay off his mortgage and car loan. Crying diamonds was actually pretty handy.

Most importantly, he had met with a plastic surgeon to discuss genital reduction surgery. His boyfriend/cult priest, Marilyn Manson, said that it was ok to have a huge penis. But Harry thought that he was just trying to be polite. He decided it was time to get the truth.

For their three week anniversary, Harry invited Marilyn to join him at his family's summer home in New Jersey. They drove together. It was a long drive. Manson ate a lot of cheese crackers and they sang along with the radio.

The road wound into the forest. Way back in the dense woods was a large brick house. Harry's family used it for vacations, so it was furnished nicely. The kitchen was small, but nice. There was a nice living room and even nicer bedroom.

"This is very nice," Manson said, looking around. "It will be nice to be here."

Harry offered to make dinner, but Marilyn had eaten too many cheese crackers, so he just had a sandwich. Afterward, they snuggled by the fireplace. It was hot, so they didn't make a fire, but it was still romantic.

"I have a question for you, Marilyn Manson," Harry said. "Please be honest with me, even if you think it will hurt my feelings."

"I know what you are going to ask. I can read your thoughts." Manson began to cry. "Please do not have surgery to have a smaller penis."

"I'm sorry. Please do not cry." Harry caressed Marilyn's cheek and kissed him. "I have always been self-conscious about my large genitals. I am afraid that you will not want to be gay with my huge penis. Since you made me gay by touching my butt in a cult ritual, I've been very happy. I don't want you to break up with me."

"I'm not going to break up with you. Think about how well I get along with your penis."

Harry stroked his chin thoughtfully. Marilyn was pretty nice to his penis. He would help give it baths and take it on walks. He put a hand puppet on it and they had tea parties. He used it as a neck pillow when they watched TV. He crocheted hats for it for winter. He fed it cheese crackers. And he also liked it in gay sex ways that Harry also enjoyed a lot.

"I remember now," Harry said. "You do seem to like my penis, and it likes you, too."

A loud sound on the roof interrupted their conversation. Manson seemed very frightened. Harry asked him what he thought could be on the roof.

"It's probably the Jersey Devil. It's a monster that lives here in the pine barrens."

Harry became very scared. He ran and locked the door and windows. But once the house was secure, the thumping on the roof stopped.

"Do you think it left?" Harry asked, chewing his fingernails like corn on the cob.

"I'll go look," Marilyn said.

"No! What if you unlock the door and it comes inside??"

Manson thought for a while and came up with a plan that would not involve opening the door. He covered himself in butter and tied a rope around his waist. The rope also went around Harry's penis. Carefully, Harry guided his penis up the chimney, taking his slippery boyfriend with it.

Marilyn peeked out of the chimney. There was no monster on the roof. He climbed out of the chimney and looked on all sides of the house. No monsters. So he went back inside.

They were both covered in butter and soot. Fortunately, Harry had a moist towelette in his wallet. They cleaned up and laughed about the scare.

Suddenly, the back door opened. The Jersey Devil walked in. It had the face of a horse with antlers on top. It had big leathery wings. Each hand had three long fingers and each finger had a sharp talon. Its tail curled around its feet, which were hooves. The hooves were covered in rhinestones. It was wearing a denim battle vest.

"Oh!" Harry quickly put his squeaky-clean penis away. "Marilyn Manson, this is my uncle, Elminster Leeds."

Manson pointed and yelled, "But Harry, that's the Jersey Devil!"

"No, that can't be, it's just my uncle!"

The Jersey Devil sat down at the kitchen table and ate an apple. He seemed sad. Harry went to comfort him.

"I'm sorry my male gay boyfriend called you a monster."

"It's ok," the Devil sighed. "It's true. I am the Jersey Devil. I am a monster. I am 280 years old. I slaughter livestock and terrorize travelers."

"What? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Harry was upset so he ate an apple too.

"I didn't want to upset you, nephew. But the whole Leeds family is cursed. We are all deformed and also wizards."

"That must be why my genitals are unreasonably enormous," Harry murmured.

Marilyn came into the kitchen and sat with them. He was very sheepish. He brought cheese crackers as a peace offering.

"I'm sorry for what I said, Uncle Elminster. I didn't mean to insult you. Your denim vest is very cool."

"Thank you. There is a big Slayer patch on the back, but it's hidden by my wings."

They all nodded solemnly because there must always be a big Slayer patch on the back. Manson noticed he also had patches from other bands. There were many safety pins also, and an anarchy symbol drawn with a marker. It was a badass vest.

"Why did you come to visit?" Harry asked.

"I am here to check the time."

"Don't you have a watch?" Marilyn asked.

"I cannot wear a watch because they explode when I shriek to frighten people. I keep my clock here."

Uncle Elminster picked up a strange clock from the mantle. It was made of weird metal with odd markings on it. He checked the time on the unusual clock.

"But that clock is broken," Harry said confusedly.

"Even a broken clock is right twice a day," Marilyn offered.

"Not this clock. It is always wrong because the times it shows don't even exist."

"That is true, nephew," the Devil nodded, "but also very wrong. These times do exist in the spirit world. I need to go there for a doctor's appointment and I don't want to be early."

"You mean you don't want to be late?" Harry asked.

"No, it's ok to be late. Then you can just wait backwards. But being early is rude."

Manson understood perfectly. He had never been to the spirit world, but he had taken many drugs. They were similar.

"Well, I'm sorry to have interrupted your evening. I hope you have a lovely weekend."

Uncle Elminster shook their hands, then shrieked and flew out a window. Harry watched him disappear into the forest. Marilyn hugged him and they went back to the bedroom because they were tired.

"I'm sorry your genitals are cursed," Manson said, putting on his leather pajamas. "But I still hope you don't get surgery."

"I think I am proud to be a Leeds," Harry said. "I won't get surgery. I'm glad you don't mind."

Marilyn kissed him on the nose. It was very cute. He slid into Harry's penis like a sleeping bag. Once they were both comfortable, Harry clapped and the light turned off. It wasn't magic. There was a Clapper on the lamp.

Their relationship was magic though, figuratively.


End file.
